abstractborders | A New Beginning

A New Beginning

It was all still a lot to take in, even several days after the fact. The Castle of Lions was gone. Shiro--the real Shiro--was back. Lotor was gone. They were on their way back to Earth. So much had happened in such a short amount of time that all of the Paladins had been left scrambling to keep up in their own ways, scrambling to process everything and push through and everyone was coping in their own ways. It probably didn't help that they were all essentially traveling separately despite being able to communicate at all times and it was strange. Not bad. Just strange.

Which made every stop they made important. A chance for everyone to interact closely and reconnect; rebuild their bonds especially now that they were all truly back together again.

For Pidge, though, there was one person in particular that she hadn't approached directly and needed to. There was a lot that she needed to say, needed to address, but it was hard to put it all together. When the clone--when Kuron, as he'd come to call himself thanks to Shiro--had first snapped and escaped with Lotor, Pidge could have stopped him but she hadn't been able to take the shot. One look and she had frozen, finger on the trigger of her gun as she stared at the person she had come to see as an older brother; as some of the only family, the only connection to her family, she had left prior to finding Matt and her dad again. And then the castle had been attacked by the same virus protocol she had created and planted in his arm, just in case, and she had known right then and there just how far gone he was.

Lucky for all of them it turned out that it hadn't been the real Shiro at all and Kuron was being controlled by Haggar. Still a lot to process but..better than the alternatives.

They had landed on a rather lush planet to rest for a day or two before continuing their journey, three days since they had gotten Shiro back. Three days since Kuron had gotten a name and become apart of their ever growing family. Pidge was sitting on the ground by her lion's paw, back resting against the large metal appendage as she fiddled with her communicator to adjust the settings better. Her gaze flickered over towards the Black Lion then back to her communicator, the screw driver she was using slipping and earning a scowl from her.

She was too distracted for this.

With a sigh she tucked it away and climbed to her feet, leaving her helmet on the ground by the lion's paw as she made her way over towards the Black Lion. She'd seen Keith and Krolia go off with Hunk to see what sort of edible things they could find in the surrounding forest which meant Shiro and Kuron were probably the only ones still in the lion..unless Lance was bothering them. Worse case scenario she'd just have to awkwardly ask for some time alone right? Calibrations. That would be her excuse. Well, not really an excuse since she did intend to eventual try and make a new arm for Shiro and Kuron both but, well, it was a good conversation opener at least.

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He was still recovering. Being dead, it turned out, took a lot out of you.

Being alive apparently did too.

Kuron and Keith both helped out where they could though and Black was a constant steady reassurance as well. And the rest of the team - the rest of the team helped simply by existing. Which wasn't to say that that was all they were doing. Each one of them made it a point to go out of their way to help him, to be around him, to simply ground him, half full of apologies most of them couldn't even quite figure out, eager to make everything up to him as if those months dead were somehow their fault. Lance was the worst, and most obvious, and it broke Shiro's heart a little to watch the younger man so desperate to make up what had never been his fault to begin with. But Hunk was always saving him the best parts of a meal, Allura was constantly coming over to discuss things that didn't need his input, Coran was full of stories and Pidge -

Pidge was avoiding him.

He was aware of it and he wasn't quite sure it was something he needed to interrupt. He'd picked up bits and pieces, everyone reluctant to tell him or Kuron just how bad things had been after Kuron's Haggar driven attack. So he knew that Pidge had saved the ship and that it had had something to do with a countermeasure for a virus in his Galra arm. But there was more to it than that, he could pick up that much at least and he had debated tracking her down himself to ask. Except - patience yields focus. And sometimes Pidge needed to come at problems from her own angle in her own time. He could give her at least a bit more before he did anything.

But he was still aware of her. More than she probably knew considering Black kept careful track of the other lions now and the other lions kept careful track of their paladins and Shiro was tied into that network so much more intimately and closer than he'd been before. Which was why he asked Kuron to take Lance off to look for fish and asked Lance to take Kuron off to look for fish when Black gave him a head's up from Green. If the others were still trying to figure out where Kuron fit into the team, Lance was more than willing to make room, feeling personally responsible for 'failing' the other man when he'd reached out for help, unaware of exactly how bad it was. Time together between the two of them might help heal Lance a bit - and give Kuron some sense of himself and finding his own place with the friendliest, easiest of the paladins.

The added bonus was it gave Shiro some alone time.

Alone time waiting for someone else.

He looked up from where he was sitting on Black's paw at her approach, shifting aside the tablet he was attempting to read left handed. Hoping she was going to talk to him in more than passing.

"Hey, Katie," he used the name deliberately, voice light so she wouldn't feel any expectations on his part.

Kuron appreciated it, Lance's willingness and Shiro's encouragement, more than he knew how to put int words. He'd figure it out one day but for now he was more than happy to follow where Lance led. Get a new perspective of things as only Lance can give.

"Hey Shiro," she replied without missing a beat, unable to help but smile at the use of her name. Even now he was still one of the only ones that ever used it. Not that she cared about names; Pidge had grown on her. But it was still nice to hear her real name, to know that people outside of her family knew it.

Then again, Shiro was family wasn't he?

Starting to say something else, the words almost forming, almost falling out of her mouth, Katie stopped herself and glanced off to the side. There was an awkward moment where she shifted her weight from one foot to the other and tapped her fingers against her leg, chewing on her bottom lip as she fought with herself about how to approach this. She had to be smooth, had to not be too emotional or let them dictate everything she was going to say because who knew what was going to spill out if that happened.

"Could..could we talk?" she finally managed to get out, looking at him as she reached up to fiddle with her glasses. "If--I mean, if you aren't busy. I can--of course you're busy, you were just reading and I should just come back some other time, shouldn't I? I just wanted to get some information from your arm. For your arm, so I can work on putting together specs for something new, you know? And I, well there are some other things I wanted to talk to you about but it's really no big deal.."

And this was the exact opposite of what she'd wanted to do.

Sometimes it was easy to forget how young she was, considering how adult she acted and how amazing her intelligence and problem solving was.

And then something would happen and -

Shiro turned off the pad and set it aside at a distance, wanting to be very clear in his indication that he wasn't going to reach for it again soon and it wasn't important.

"My arm," he indicated to the ruin of it. She and Hunk had already dismantled what they could but it would take invasive surgery to get the rest out of him and they didn't have that ability right now. Mostly he kept the metal and dangling wires wrapped in cloth and had an awkward pressure sling to keep it from bumping or getting caught on anything. "Sure. I've got time. Do you want to come up here or do we need to go back to Green for the scans?"

He'd gotten a lot more mellow about his arm since he'd come back from the dead. He'd always been just a little self-conscious about it, a little sensitive, always hated it a little bit and yet needed it almost addictively, something he now wondered suspiciously a bit more at. But - he'd died - and come back to find it ruined and as awkward as that made a lot of things - it didn't bother him the way he knew it once would have. He wondered if it bothered Kuron more but it hadn't really come up in conversation yet. Still, better Pidge prod at him than his twin considering.

If it was his arm she really wanted to prod at to begin with.

Shiro always had a knack for cutting to the chase. For not getting frustrated by the rambling and she really appreciated it. Especially since they were both aware, at least she had a feeling he was aware, there was a lot more to this than just wanting scans of his arm.

"Could we go back to Green? It'd be easier for me to download all the information right into her system," she said with a small smile, one both grateful for his willingness to go along with this and for him just being him. Plus, not only would it be easier for her to collect information but she'd be someplace a little more comfortable for her and it would be easier for her to broach the subjects she actually wanted to.

"It shouldn't take to long with Green helping," Pidge added and there was a proud note to her voice. Yeah, she's pretty fond of her lion just in case anyone wasn't aware.

"Its fine." He leaves the pad where it is. Someone will be back eventually and its evidence he's wandered off intentionally. It also shows Pidge he really doesn't need to keep at what he was doing on it. Isolated as they are, there's really not much he is doing besides catching up and plotting next moves - which gets redundant after a while. With a pat against the metal, he slides off Black's paw, careful and still a little unbalanced. But he doesn't fall on his face and there's not much wobble as he lands so he counts it a win. Giving a smile, he rests his hand on her shoulder for a moment, letting her know he's okay and she's okay and they're okay and then he lets her take the lead and follows her back to Green. He thinks she might want to talk about something but he lets her pick her own speed about it, asking instead:

"Are you making even more upgrades to Green while we're stuck on our roadtrip?"

Pidge can't help but let out a quiet breath as Shiro's hand lands on her shoulder and she returns his smile with a faint one of her own. Despite how unsure she is about all of this, about how to approach it, she appreciates how calm he's being and how supportive he is. He's always like that and it's half the reason why she's never had trouble talking to him about just about anything.

She leads the way back to Green, a smug look touching her face as he mentions upgrades.

"Of course. We may not have the castle anymore but that's not going to stop me from working on new ways to streamline Green's systems," she said proudly, glancing at him with a grin. "My latest project has been working on her scanners to try and broaden their range even more so I can pick up signals in a larger radius. I figure that will give us more of an advantage since we don't have a centralized base right now. From there I'm going to work on her cloaking ability and see if I can potentially create a cloaking blanket with it so that I can cloak not just Green but all of the lions while we're out in space like this."

She wanted to make sure everyone was safe until they had a more centralized base of operations again.

Reaching Green, Pidge motioned for Shiro to follow her inside, the younger pilot pulling out a small scanner so she could start loading up the programs she was going to need and get everything calibrating properly.

"Has your arm, like it is now, been giving you any issues? Pain or discomfort? I may be able to shut off the pain resistors if they're still firing, at least until we can get it fixed entirely," she asked over her shoulder, a brief, concerned look on her face.

Hearing her slide back into her 'work talk' makes him smile. She never falters when its talking about tech and upgrades and its good to hear. Familiar. He's still savoring the familiar things.

Plus its always good to let her start with something she's comfortable with if she wants to slide into something else she's uncomfortable with later. For the moment though he just stores away what she tells him, nodding and humming to show he's aware.

"Both of those sound like good ideas to get off the ground sooner rather than later. Voltron's pretty impressive but it'll be more impressive if we don't have to form him without any backup support in the first place."

He stands where she indicates, watching as she preps thing and, somewhere deep inside, as if its buried under ocean waves, he can 'hear' the rumble of Green in his chest. Its a leftover, he thinks, of his time inside Black. Its always faint and usually needs proximity - but he wonders how long it will last and kind of enjoys the private echo of a shadow connection via his own lion.

"It's always hurt," he says it without really thinking about it, catching himself too late. Winces a little. "Not badly. Mostly just little things. Its less now." A slight crooked smile that's a little grim. "Less of it to be an issue I guess."

"That's what I was thinking as well. There's no reason that the lions can't be just as impressive as Voltron is!" Pidge said excitedly only to pause and look around with a sheepish smile. "Not that they aren't amazing already. I just want to make sure there's nothing that can catch us by surprise."

She was by no means insulting the lions. She was far too fond of Green, especially, to do something like that.

Her fingers go still on the scanner and she turns to look at Shiro now, a hard to read look on her face as she watches him try to back track over what he'd already said. He was trying to be reassuring despite his initially statement and Pidge wasn't about to have any of that. Her expression melts into a worried frown as she taps her scanner again and holds it out to get a data reading on him.

"Why didn't you say something sooner?" she scolded, not meeting his gaze as she focused on the scanner now and the readings she was getting. "I could have started on this a lot sooner and then you wouldn't have been in pain this entire time. Shutting off the nerve endings could have been done a lot sooner if you had said something and I hadn't been--" Pidge paused, fingers faltering over the scanner before she scoffed at herself and shook her head. "Sit down. I need to get a closer look at it."

He has a fond smile as she corrects herself over the lions even though he doubts she needs to. He's impressed with Voltron too - but if he had to chose -

Black. He'd take just Black any day.

"Pidge..." his voice was soft and he didn't sit right away, reaching out instead to rest a hand on her thin shoulder. A shoulder he knows carries too much and one he wishes didn't have to but it would be insulting to say she hadn't earned her place and the right to fight right next to them just as much as the rest of the team. Very gently, he squeezes.

"I couldn't have used it if you'd shut off nerve endings. The arm's always hurt. From the second it was installed, every moment onward from that point. There was nothing anyone could have done and - I needed it. I had nothing else to fight the Galra with." Another gentle squeeze and he let go but only to reach down and curl her fingers gently around the scanner in them. He doesn't have anything to fight the Galra with now. Nothing but his lion. On the ground, outside of Black - what good is he? He's not even sure he can use the Black Bayard, whatever it is it turns into. He is - he was - right handed. He finally sits down where she indicated.

"But if you can figure out a way for someone to take the leftover hardware out of me, I'd appreciate it. It's useless now."

He doesn't say what that makes him.

Pidge closes her eyes for a moment when his hand lands on her shoulder, taking a breath to steady herself before looking up at him. He's right and she knows it. Shutting off the nerve endings and severing his ability to use the arm would have been a bad move but she hates the idea of any of her friends--her family--suffering especially if there is a possibility that she could have done something to stop it.

"I could have figured something out," she protested softly even as she looks down at the scanner as he helps her get a grasp on it again. It was in the past though. Now she had to figure out how to solve a new problem. His lack of an arm and what they could do to get him back on his feet, so to speak.

Pidge took another breath as Shiro sat down and nodded, tapping in something on the datapad as she moved closer to him and started to scan the remains of his arm.

"Whatever I can do I'm going to do it, you can count on that. It's going to take some time since we don't have the castle but I should be able to find enough parts and tools inside the Lions to figure this out," she said firmly. When they had evacuated the castle Pidge had made sure to stock Green with all of her tools and any supplies she might need. She hadn't gone overboard but..she liked to be prepared. "Have you felt anything since the arm was--since it..was cut off?" Since it was cut off the clone. "Outside of pain, I mean. Has it--does it feel like it's still trying to react? Or has everything gone completely dead?"

Focus on the task at hand. You can do this Pidge.

"I know you will," his reassurance is soft in response to her protest, complete faith in her. Even if he's not, really, sure there's anything to figure out. At some point they'll have to find a way to get the rest of the wiring out of him - somehow. He's not looking forward to that simply because he's fairly sure it will hurt -

and that what had been a stump before, at least part of his lot arm, will be even less once they find a way to get the metal that had eaten him up to his shoulder off.

He tries not to think about that - but its hard. How much more of his body is he going to lose to the Galra? How little of him is going to be left by the time its all done....

He knows his team, his friends, will do everything they can though and frankly, he's seen both Hunk and Pidge work miracles with alien tech and programming. Even Coran has done some impressive things that he's pretty sure shouldn't be in the realm of physics. They've got allies and they're on their way back to an Earth that has a great deal more advanced tech knowledge than it did when they left thanks to Katie's father. He's not giving up hope yet.

But he's never seen anything like Haggar's arm. Not even amoung the Okari.

His face softens as she works over her question, glad of an excuse to think of someone other than himself.

"You mean have I stopped trying to open peanut butter jars before I realize its not there yet?" Probably a little too jovial. He's aware his humor isn't necessarily appreciated when it goes dark. So he shakes his head. "Phantom pain. I keep thinking its still there, trying to use it. I can feel the impulses going out but since there's nothing to respond its - weird. Like double vision except with body sensations? The shoulder doesn't respond though." He tries but there's no movement on one side while his human shoulder shrugs on the other side. "I can't roll the shoulder or lift or sink it. I can feel it trying but there's no feed back."

His human hand moves, shifts just a little to hold his palm up on his thigh and his voice softens some more.

"Katie - you don't have to do this right now. We've got plenty of time and nothing's going to change with it. It's all right."

Pidge gives him a look at the peanut butter jar comment, a dry look that says this totally isn't a joking matter but her lips do twitch slightly. Okay, it was a pretty good one. Just badly timed.

"So the signals are firing but the receptors have lost function which has cut off mobility," she repeated as she inputted that data into her scanner, frowning at it as she tried to concentrate on what she was doing.

Of course, Shiro had other plants though.

Her gaze lifts before she can stop herself, the use of her actual name prompting it, and her expression falters briefly.

"Shiro I...I do. I need to do this right now," she protested, lowering the scanner slightly and tapping a finger against the side of it. "Making sure you're okay is important to me. You're--" Family. More than just Paladin family. Pidge looks down, mouth working over a couple words that she falters with, frowning, before she moves to sit beside him. "I messed up. I should have..I should have known something was wrong before things got out of hand. When you--when the--when Kuron freaked out while we were trying to bring the shields down. But I didn't do anything, I didn't did into it. And then when things did go wrong I didn't take the shot." Her hands tighten on her scanner. "I keep messing up and I want to do something right for once. I want to get something right for once so I need to do this. I need to make sure you're okay."

He makes room for her when she sits down next to him even if she doesn't really take up much room that he needs to clear. Its more the motions of it, to show her that there's a place for her with him whenever she needs it. Or wants it. Quiet he listens as she stumbles through her explanation. And his heart hurts.

She shouldn't be carrying all that weight. None of them should. They're supposed to still be in school, learning the principles of flight and dreaming of missions.

Not fighting a war. Watching their friends and teammates get hurt and -

killed.

He swallows and lifts his remaining hand to rest it on her slim shoulder.

"And I should have pushed harder, fought until I made contact with everyone to warn them. Katie - I won't tell you how to feel. We all have things we wish we'd done differently. But I'm here now. Kuron's free of Haggar's control. We lost the castle but not each other or the lions. All we can do is take what we have, where we are, and keep going." Gentle his hand squeezed her shoulder and didn't fall away. "If you want to work on my arm - thank you. I feel - a little lost, with just the ruins of it hanging there." Useless was the actual word. He felt useless. But lost would have to do as the stand in word. "But I want you to understand - none of us can be everything. Sometimes we're all going to misstep. That's why we're here for each other. To help balance each other out. I try to be that for all of you - and I count on all of you to help me too, okay? Haggar got in under our defenses because we weren't watching for her. We won't make that mistake again. We know to watch for her now. And next time - we'll take her down."

She can't help it. He may have intended to just rest his hand on her shoulder but she ends up leaning into him, resting against his side before she can really stop herself.

"There are a lot of 'what ifs' and 'could haves'. Wouldn't be war without them, huh?" she said softly, trying to put a bit of humor into her voice and failing. Miserably. "I want to work on your arm, I do. More than anything. I don't--I want to get that tech out of you so we can work on getting you something better that isn't going to be painful." She was determined. If the Galra could make him an arm then so could she and Hunk. And they had enough contacts across the universe that if they ran into any issues they'd be able to reach out and fill in the gaps. One way or another they were going to make this work because if there was one person in their group that didn't deserve this it was Shiro considering everything he'd done for them. Pidge shuddered and reached up to wipe at her eyes quickly, trying to keep her composure but her walls were crumbling down pretty quickly. "The defenses are my responsibility. I've been working to make sure that this sort of thing couldn't happen--couldn't get by us and it did anyway."

Her tech should have been able to pick up some sort of anomaly. She should have been able to pick up some sort of irregular readings from the Lions--anything. Something.

"And then w-we almost lost you and Keith because I couldn't stop Kuron."

Its a bit of a surprise when she leans - but its a welcome one and, slow, careful not to overstep, he wraps his good arm around her small frame in return, tucking her a bit more into his side. Where she's safe. Where he can keep her safe. She's not the only one that let something they should have caught slip past them. And it had almost cost his team everything. Being dead didn't seem like enough of an excuse.

"Katie," his voice is soft to match his half-embrace. "You can't do everything. You can't out-think the entire galaxy all at once, no matter how good you are. There is no one, in the history of our world, that's always managed to cover everything. A lot of them have gotten lucky but no one can do everything. You had no reason to go digging. Kuron acted like me, the Black Lion trusted him - he was me. And he loved all of you just as strongly and honestly as I do. He still does, even if he has to figure out what that means now." He gave her a gentle squeeze against his side and didn't let go, dipped his head to bring his eyes closer to hers so she could meet them if she needed to. If she needed to measure whether he meant what he was saying or not.

"And Katie - you did stop him. Not when he escaped. He took down the entire team. You couldn't have stopped him, not with as little warning as you had. But - you stopped the program Haggar made him download. You saved the team, you made sure Keith had a place to bring us back to - that there was even a Voltron to form to fight Lotor with. Haggar did - terrible things to Kuron. She ruined our arm, made it eat us alive, drained so much of our life out of us to make it into a canon that we nearly died. That - didn't belong on the castle. It was too dangerous and she was too determined and - we're too dangerous when we're not holding back. I don't ever want any of you to see me when I'm not holding back. I don't want any of you to know what that looks like. It didn't belong on the castle. I'm glad he didn't fight Keith there. You stopped Kuron where you were meant to. You saved the team." Gentle he stroked a hand over her head. "I'm very proud of you, Katie. No one else could have done what you did. We still have a team because of you."

When you fall into the family category, Shiro, you also fall into the 'suitable for seeking comfort from' category. His arm around her allows her to really focus on him being there, being safe, helping her remember that despite everything that's happened they had all made it out alive. That was the important thing, injuries aside.

"We're the Paladins of Voltron, Shiro. We have to be prepared for this stuff--I should have been prepared for this!" she protested with a shake of her head. "If there's one thing I should be prepared for it's being able to fire when I need to fire. To act when it's most important!" They all had to. That was how they were going to survive this--keep surviving from this point forward. She knew Shiro was right, though. Kuron had been created to be a perfect copy and it hadn't been until near the very end that he'd even begun to falter. He'd tried to reach out to Lance and then there had been faint clues that Pidge had picked up on but hadn't known what to do with until he'd already been taken over by Haggar completely.

Shiro continued talking and Pidge closed her eyes as she felt tears starting to fall at his words, his praise and the pride in his voice--him stating how proud he was of her. Despite everything that had happened Shiro was still proud of her, of all of them and they were all here. If she hadn't stopped the program there would have been a lot more damage done in the end. It was hard not to be mad at herself for not doing more, for missing the signs that there was more going on but she had to at least focus on the good that did come of it.

The good was far more important than the 'what ifs' after all.

"Shiro, I.." Pidge started only to have her voice crack as a shudder went through her. She gave up on words for the moment, lifting a hand to press against her mouth and muffle any further sounds as she sank further against him and finally let everything she'd bottle up out.

He meant every word he said. There was no one more proud of his team than he was.

And he was glad she hadn't physically tried to stop Kuron. The other man, controlled by Haggar or not, hadn't killed anyone in his escape from the castle - but because they were, in a way, the same

Shiro knew how easy it would have been to turn those subduing moves into killing ones.....

It made him sick to his stomach to think of it, of what might have happened - and it made him all the more grateful to his new twin for, somehow, fighting what must have been all but total control.

But that was for later and this was for now and as Pidge folded into him he wrapped his arm as completely around her as he could, curling his body forward around her and tucking his chin over the top of her head. Encasing her with his own body as completely as he could and missing his lost arm for the lack of ability to wrap her even closer. She'd been through so much. They'd all been through so much. And they were just kids. Pidge the youngest of them all. They weren't supposed to be worrying about saving the universe - about killing a team member - team leader - at this age. Never really but certainly not when their biggest stress factor should have been upcoming tests and whether to go home or stay at the Garrison for the holidays.

"It's all right. It's all right," he pitched his voice low and soft for her, almost crooning the mantra. Letting her cry it out because she'd already held all that pain inside of her too long already and there was nothing wrong with crying when you needed it. "It's all right, Katie. I'm right here. You're safe."

Honestly Pidge..Katie had no idea how much time passed. It felt like forever because of how messed up her emotions had her but it probably had been more than fifteen minutes tops? However long it was, it felt good to just let it out for once. She had always done her best to keep up an image, to stay strong in the face of things and not let herself seem weak compared to the others. Not that emotions were weak, she knew that they weren't, but there was still a stigma nonetheless.

This? This was something she'd needed though.

When she finally calmed down, largely thanks to the words he kept repeating to her, her forehead was resting against Shiro's chest and her arms were fit snug around his waist. A lifeline. A comfort-zone. Just like Matt always was.

"I don't want to lose any of my family again, alright?" she whispered as she opened her eyes, absently nuzzling a bit closer to him, just seeking out more of his presence. Needing to feel him right there despite hugging him like she was. "I can't."

He holds her while she cries and - its cathartic. Its cathartic for her, he knows - but he needs this too. Because he's not to the place that he can handle crying right now - but her sobs bleed some of the need for it off of him as well as he holds her and lets her take as long as she needs.

She's so young - so young. Even younger than any of the others and she's so competent and so mature and so ahead of everyone in some ways that its almost possible to forget that she's barely even into her teens yet. And yet - its always there, lingering in the back of his mind.

When she finally settles, starts to relax, he doesn't let go of her or unwrap his body from where he's curled it around hers. Not until she moves to indicate she wants it. Until then he's content to hold her. It's good for him too. Everyone's being so careful around him. It's nice - heart healing - to be able to cling and be clung to without having to drop his 'leadership' control.

He's so touch starved for hugs.

He hums his answer to her words when she finally speaks, low and long in his throat, vibrations as much as noise. Nods against the top of her head.

"I know." It's soft and he hugs her just a little tighter for a moment with his arm. He doesn't promise she won't. He'd like to - but they both know he can't make that promise and he doesn't want to tell her things she can't believe. So he just rubs the side of his chin against her hair and repeats a gentle:

"I know."

There's always a chance that another loss is around the corner. Pidge isn't so naive that she would believe otherwise. But dammit she is not going to let it happen easily; she refuses to let it happen without putting up one hell of a fight. Her friends, her family, mean too much to her and she can't go through it again.

And she doesn't want them to go through it either.

She finally starts to pull away and lifts an arm from his waist to wipe at her eyes, taking a deep breath to collect herself.

"Sor--" No. There was no reason to apologize. Pidge stops herself from actually finishing the statement and instead looks up at him, really looks at him, searching his gaze and expression. "Are you going to be okay, Shiro?" Is there anything you need? A new arm was obvious. Rest was obvious; they all needed that. But he had been through so much in his own right that even with everything that she had weighing her down right now, she couldn't help but worry that he was bottling up a lot.

She'd felt the way he'd clung when she'd hugged him.

"I..if there's anything else I can do.." She motions to his arm when she says it, wanting to make it clear she's talking about more than just his physical well being right now. "We're in this together, all of us. So you can..you don't have to be a leader all the time."

He lets her go when she starts to pull away. Pidge isn't as effusive with physical affection as Hunk for instance is and Shiro both treasures the rare times she is - and is careful to never overstep what she's comfortable with.

He's glad when she doesn't apologize.

Let him be useful for something. Please.

But his smile is only soft and warm for her when she gives the rest. He appreciates it, he really does. And it feels good to know that his team is watching out for him, trying to take care of him too. But - he can't. Right now.... right now there's too much inside of him. If he doesn't bottle it up - he's not sure he could handle dealing with it. He's not sure he could pull himself back from it. So many of the things he anchors himself with have come undone in the past few years, past few weeks. The very few things left to him, he's clinging to with a death grip, afraid to let go because there's nothing left to catch him if he does. He can't face all he's been through right now. Its too much, too big, too soon. He needs to bottle and to shield because -

because he doesn't dare do otherwise.

Because he's afraid he might not be able to come back if he lets go.

So he gives her shoulder a gentle squeeze - and he seals over all the raw open wounds inside himself again. He's hardly anything anymore. But if he can still be team leader - even if he's not leading - then its one thing he can hold onto against the swallowing darkness.

"Thank you, Katie. I know. I'll be fine though. Just a lot to take in and adjust to." To bury so it doesn't drag him under. "We've all been through a lot." His smile is a little wry. "Not exactly the kind of life we expected to find searching ice samples, is it?"

She knows there's more to it. She knows that there's a lot he's bottling up. They all do it and she's seen Shiro do it plenty of times--seen Kuron do it even.

Pushing wasn't going to do any good though, nor would prying. Pidge couldn't begin to fathom what he was going through right now and as much as she did want to help, as much as she did want to be useful, the best way to do that was to respect what he was asking.

In the roundabout way he was doing it.

So she nods, giving him an understanding look before it melts into amusement as she snorts and shakes her head.

"Pretty sure small worm-like organisms was what you guys were expecting to find," she drawled as she wiped her eyes one more time before easing to her feet and looking at her scanner again. "Not purple pointed eared creatures or multi-legged caterpillar cat aliens." Just to name a few. Pidge can't help but relax more now as she glances up from the scanner to Shiro and smiles, looking to the remains of his arm in the next moment. "I think I should be able to at least shut off everything so it's not as hyper-sensitive to sensations. That'll give Hunk and I time to design and build you a new arm from some of the scrap supplies that we have. It may take a few tries to get it working properly but with the information I have now I should be able to get it as close to your old one's response time as possible."

He appreciates the fact she doesn't pry. He's not ready to face a lot of things and poking at them - no, he's not ready for that either. So he purposely shifts his mind away from them and focuses on her words -

and coughs a laugh, edges of his eyes wrinkling as he smiles.

"Yeah. Pretty sure I would have preferred the worms." Multi-legged caterpillar cat aliens especially. He looks down at the remains of his arm when she does though, face sobering. He's been hoping they can shut it down - and yet a little afraid of it too. He has so little left on that side. He's pretty sure even the stump of his arm is gone entirely under the twisted mass of metal now. It may hurt but - at least its something. Once its shut off its just -

metal. A lump of metal that's attached to him like a parasite. Something that's entirely divorced from him and his control at that point. He locks his teeth together - and nods.

"Let's do it. The less active there is, the less chance there's anything left over for -

for anyone to control."

The mention of a new arm does have the hope rising in him - but he's careful not to let it get too large. They are running on limited supplies and an arm for him isn't a priority. He understands that. He can live with that.

Patience yields focus.

And sometimes just barely there sanity.

"I'll help however I can."

Her eyes narrow some at the mention of someone taking control of his arm, of the remnants of the tech still left there. It was something she had been actively thinking about and already taking into consideration with all of this but the idea of it was still worrying no matter how much she tried to prep herself for all possible scenarios.

But it wasn't going to happen. She wouldn't give anyone that opportunity.

"The main thing we're going to need is materials," Pidge mused as she set her scanner down and moved over towards a storage compartment to get some of her tools out. "I've got a lot of stuff that I managed to stow away when we left the Castle but I want to make sure whatever we make is top notch. It has to be light weight but still able to take a blast or hit." She frowns and ends up half inside the compartment attempting to find a specific set of drivers. "I want to see if I can mimic what the Galra did and make it able to change into a weapon as well--Aha!"

Pulling herself out of the compartment, Pidge grins with tools in hand, hopping up and heading back over to Shiro's side.

"But it'll be better because it'll be my design," she added and looking rather smug as she did. The tools get set down sans a small driver and she rests her free hand on his shoulder as her expression grows serious. "This..may hurt a little. More than normal since everything is out of sync and hypersensitive."

It's an apologetic warning because there's not much she can do about it except work as quickly and carefully as she can.

That first touch of her tool to the inner workings of his damage arm though? That won't be pleasant.

He watches her end up all but swallowed by the compartment and it brings a swell of fondness inside his chest. She's so bright and determined and eager. It doesn't mean she's not still a teen, that's she's not still scared and worried, but - it does him good, helps him, to know that, despite all of that, Katie is still going to be Katie.

"We can always start off basic and upgrade as we go," he's being too eager again, too hopeful. But - its hard to stop thinking and talking about it now that the hope's been dangled in front of him. "If you make it detachable."

Her pride and assurance has him smiling again though and he relaxes.

"I'd be honored to wear something of your design, Katie. You and Hunk - and Allura and Coran - will always be my first choice for any mechanic designs."

There's more though and he pulls in a deep breath through his nose, skin around his eyes tightening - but he nods.

"It's fine. Do what you need to."

There's always been a low level ache and now that its just a stump there are spikes of random pain from time to time and the ache feels more like a day old broken bone. He is not looking forward to more prodding in that already sensitive area, especially not compounded on what he's already feeling. But - she needs this. And its necessary to both shut it down so its not a threat anymore - and, potentially - to getting that new arm. He mentally grabs hard onto the promise of that new arm to make this pain worth it and then he turns his hip so she's got a better shot at what's left of his arm and grits his teeth.

The first prod still has him sucking in air between his clenched teeth though and his eyebrows coming together over his tight eyes. Raw nerves. All he can compare it to is having someone prodding at exposed raw nerves and that pain is hard to ignore considering how intimate and tickling and integrated it is. But he holds still for her. Because the better he is the faster she can be. And the closer to not being a threat anymore to his family he can be. The grunts still come, catching in his throat, but he forces himself to hold still for her and mutes as much of it as he can. She doesn't need to hear it and - he knows it will hurt her as she does.

"Making it detachable was always the idea. Starting off basic...well, that depends on your definition of basic," Pidge mused with a grin. Her idea of basic wasn't exactly the same as others because she had a list of things she was going to make sure to include in the design to make sure it functioned well out the gate. Upgrades were always going to be a thing though because everything had room to be improved upon.

Shiro got a sincere smile at his comment about wearing something designed by her and the others before all of her focus went to the task at hand. There would be time to discuss more later. Right now she needed to pay attention to what she was doing and make sure that she didn't--

Her hands still when he sucks in that breath, Pidge's eyes flicking to his face to watch his expression for a moment. She doesn't hesitate long, though, well aware that the longer she drags it out the worse it's going to be. She shifts to prop one knee on the bench, gaze back on the empty shoulder socket as she sets back to work. Each exposed nerve ending is soldered, several of the getting soldered together to form a circuit so they're at least out of the way while Pidge's hands are in the mass of circuitry and no longer so hypersensitive. There were a lot to take care of but she worked diligently, focusing on a batch at a time then moving them out of the way carefully so she can get to next. Finally she was able to get to the core of the nerve connection and start to disable it, setting aside the tools she'd been using and swapping them out for completely different ones--a regular old screwdriver and a small laser scalpel. Screwdriver held in her mouth while one hand holds some of the capped nerve endings out of the way, Pidge carefully cuts away part of the connection port.

"Almost there," she murmured around the screwdriver, setting the laser scalpel aside and using the screwdriver now to open up an access port she'd exposed. She glances down and snags her scanner, screwdriver once more in her mouth, and lets go of the nerve endings with her other hand so she can plug her scanner into the port and start to override the system commands. For a moment Shiro would feel the sensations spike, the nerve endings feeling like they were on fire as the Galra tech tried to fight back--

and then nothing.

"There!" Relief was obvious in Pidge's voice as the screwdriver clattered against her scanner, the younger Paladin looking to Shiro with worry in her eyes as she unplugged from the port inside his shoulder. "How does it feel? Can you feel anything?"

The pain seems to go on and on, wearing him down as it drags on. He knows his sense of time isn't matching reality but the pain makes it seems longer than he's sure its been and it takes all his control to keep from jerking the wounded stump away from her because she's the source of the pain and she needs to stop.

Except if she stops - she'll just have to start again at some point and he'd rather take it all down now than break it up over a series. So he grinds his teeth down and locks his jaw, eyes eventually squeezing shut, both at the pain and because he doesn't want to see what she's doing anymore. Because that's him - and yet its not him at all. It's just something that's lived in him for over a year now. He barely hears her murmur and as much as he trusts her, in that moment, feeling that pain, he doesn't believe her.

And then the pain spikes and the yell strangles up through his throat, catches in his locked teeth and gutters out, animal and raw but at least muted. Even in pain he doesn't want to scare her. The pain builds and he knows he can't take it anymore, that he needs to yank his arm away, that it doesn't matter if they have to start again later he just can't take anymore now

and he holds it there for one heart beat. Two. Fights to stay steady and resist -

and then its gone. Everything's gone. So fast that it takes his brain and his body time to register that. He sags forward a little, catches himself on his other arm and his hairline is damp with sweat. He feels cold. And - nothing.

Where his arm had been, where the ruined stump had been - nothing.

He pants through his lips, half expects the pain to come back but - nothing. Its not numb. There's just - nothing there. Nothing at all.

It's a little terrifying. His last connection to anything even close to an arm is gone and even if it hurt at least it was something. His hand lifts but he stops before he touches it, not about to mess with the wires. Instead his fingers clench slow and he nods. Exhales. Lowers his hand.

"Nothing. There's nothing there at all now."

Pidge hadn't thought about how unnerving it would be to have the sensation of nothingness hanging off his side essentially. Her priority had been to stop the pain, to get rid of the sensitivity and she'd accomplished that.

Sorry Shiro.

The scanner gets set aside as she gets off the bench and goes to grab a towel from one of her other work spaces. She returns quickly, the worry still lingering on her face as she rests a hand on the now deactivated shoulder port and lifts the towel with her other hand to gently wipe away some of the sweat that had built up along his hairline.

"I'm sorry that took so long. Galra tech is advanced but unnecessarily complicated in a lot of ways," she said with a bit of a frown that was gone in the next moment. "Now that I've got all the data from it I can work out how to reconfigure it and program it the way I want it to be--in a way that works in a less damaging way. Then Hunk and I can get started on a new arm for you. For now I'm going to make a temporary patch to cover everything, keep the wires hidden and away from any elements they would be exposed to if they were just hanging out like they are." She attempts a smile, searching his face as she lowers the towel. None of this was best case scenario but there was only so much any of them could do. "I promise we'll work as fast as we can, Shiro."

The sooner they could get him a functioning arm the better.

He gives her a weak smile as she wipes the sweat from his forehead, half apologetic. She's not supposed to see him like this and she's certainly not supposed to be responsible for him. But - the care after the pain is almost too much and he dips his head and leans forward just the smallest amount to try to soak it up without being obvious.

He's been a year without a body. Sometimes he's so touch starved he could scream. He does shake his head for her though, eyes still closed.

"Not you. Its not your fault," his voice only rasps a little and he swallows to try to get it back to its usual timbre. And he lets himself soak up her voice and simply the sound of her talking just as much as what she says. Arm. She talking about getting him a real arm again. It makes him smile as drained and hollow stomached as he still feels.

"I know you will. I trust both you and Hunk. Whatever you come up with, even the prototypes, is going to be amazing."

He still feels hurt. Not in the nerves of him anymore but his heart feels hurt and he knows its just too long with too much and too little. He shuts his eyes.

He still can't feel anything from his shoulder down. He tries to ignore it. Tries to focus.

"You don't have to - " he has to stop. Shakes his head. Trying not to feel buried under how broken everything about him seems, suddenly, to be. Tries again. "I trust you, Katie. Whatever you come up with, I'm sure it will be great."

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A New Beginning

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