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For goldmedalvicturi

[Continued from here.]

Leaving Makkachin at the apartment for once, Yuuri had headed out and decided to take his time. His head was a mess of thoughts right now and his emotions were so mixed up and hard to figure out that he honestly didn't even really want to do this right now. He wanted to just stay and bed and not talk about it; deflect. Ignore. Pretend it didn't happen. But that wasn't going to help anything. He'd already told Victor that he knew so now he needed to actually finish the conversation.

When he finally made it to the rink he felt..okay, well, he felt cold because Russia was always cold but he at least felt a little more collected. He gave a faint smile in greeting to the man in charge of the rink before heading into the locker room, stowing his bag and jacket away before going about putting his skates on. From there he headed out to the ice, a hard to read look on his face as he reached the wall and nudged the door open so he could step out onto the ice.

He didn't even bother to look for Victor right now, didn't want to through himself off from the state of mind he was in and instead just started to skate. Yuuri had always been better at expressing himself with his skating rather than words themselves so right now? Right now he was going to let his skating, let his body, do the talking as he started around the rink, moving to music that only he could hear, letting his body relax and flow as he moved across the ice. It was clear he was upset and anyone that knew Yuuri well enough would know that meant he was going to end up overthinking things if he wasn't careful. The difference this time, though?

He loved Victor. He didn't want things to go badly but..he was hurt. His heart hurt at the thought that his best friend and his fiance had done something--even just making out--behind his back.

Letting one of his legs swing out as he made a slow turn, Yuuri spread his arms and glided with the position for a moment before drawing himself back upright and turning himself again, arms going above his head as he fell into an easy spin. He broke from it after several rotations before he glided backwards, picking up speed before turning again to face forwards in time to launch himself into a triple toe loop. The landing was easy for him after all this time and his body relaxed again as he went through the motions of a step sequence he was making up on the fly, just how upset he was even more obvious now.

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Yuuri startled as his shoulders were grabbed and his hand slipped away from the other's to rest in his lap.

Why wasn't he angry?

"...Because I'm not...I'm a mess," he said with a weak smile and a half shrug, head tilting as he looks at the other and a few tears finally start to fall. "Because I'm a mess and I've always just expected you and everyone else to get tired of me."

Phichit. Victor. Yuri. Chris. All of them. He constantly wondered why they still put up with him given how much of an emotional wreck he could be at times.

"I love you, Victor. I don't know how to handle it because I've never let myself love someone like this before and all I want is for you to be happy," he admitted, the smile fading as his hands both curled into fists against his knees in an attempt to hide how much they were shaking. "I just want everyone to be happy."

Oh, Victor had fucked up. He knew he'd fucked up but he hadn't quite grasped how badly until just now. He reaches to take Yuuri's hands, pulling them both close to his chest as he rubs them gently together between his own. His brow was furrowed with concern, tears still hanging in his eyes but managing not to fall.

"I want you to be happy. That's all I want and I messed that up... I made you cry.. I don't. ... I hate it when you cry and I hate it more when its my fault."

He didn't know what to do to fix anything right now. Yuuri had ever reason to be angry and to not trust him ever again, but Victor had to try, especially when Yuuri had looked at him like that...

"Please.. I'll never be tired of you.. No one will be. you aren't.. .. You aren't a mess, you're .. Yuuri and I should be the one helping you, not making it worse."

Yuuri was quiet for a long moment even after Victor had stopped speaking, mulling over the other's words and trying to sort through the emotions that were muddling his brain up. Logically he knew that all of this was because Victor was a playboy. Apparently more of one than Yuuri had ever really known. It wasn't a bad thing it was just something he hadn't been prepared for. And Phichit...he'd always known that Phichit was a flirt. A bad flirt. But he adored the other. He was Yuuri's best friend. And that should have made this all hurt even worse for him.

Instead he just felt tired. Felt like giving up. And it wasn't something he wanted. He wanted to be stubborn and wanted to be greedy and hang onto Victor for as long as he could; wanted the world to know that he was the one that got to be with the Russian super star every day but that part of him was so small in comparison to how vicious and large his more anxious side was.

"We're suppose to help each other. I don't want you to have to deal with my mess every day, Victor. I don't--the only person that can help me conquer everything going on in my head is me." A deep breath was taken again and let out slowly as Yuuri looked down and closed his eyes. "I want to be with you. I want this--us--to work, I do but it's...I need to know that I can trust you to just be here. To be willing to wait for me while I catch up every time I get bogged down and that you aren't going to run off to someone else. And if you want to be with other people then you need to tell me."

Victor wanted to protest and tell Yuuri that he really didn't have to do it alone. The thing was that Victor couldn't really reach into Yuuri's head and sweep it all away. Instead he was ust making things infinitely worse for a young man who was already struggling.

He shifts his weight, settling down more solidly on the ice instead of sitting on his knees. Good way to put his legs to sleep and be trapped there for who knew how long.

"I can't.. just tell you to trust me.. or make a promise and you to just believe it, considering.." What they had just discussed. "I can just. ... be there. Whether as your lover or.. just friends. Whichever would be best for you right now..."

The word friends was slightly strangled, because he didn't want their relationship to peter off and end. Victor had never been happier, yet he was making stupid mistakes.

"I don't want anyone else.."

When it came down to it, Yuuri did have to do it alone. He had to find his own strength and be able to overcome all the obstacles his anxiety threw at him. No one else could give him that strength entirely; it wasn't fair to expect anyone to be able to. But they could help. And he wanted Victor there, he really did.

"...I don't want this to end," Yuuri admitted, chewing on his bottom lip after he said it before looking up finally. His eyes were still watery but no fresh tears had fallen as he focuses on Victor. "I just want you to not keep things like that from me. We're both allowed to have our secrets and it's not like I expect you to indulge me in every little thing going on but something like that?" Sleeping with his best friend? "I'd appreciate honesty, Vitya."

"I was going..." To tell you. Honest, for real, absolutely Yuuri! That sounded awful after the fact. Yuuri would never know for sure if that was Victor's plan. It was, but there would be no confirmation. Yuuri would only know that Victor had kept it from him this long, had lied by omission.

"I'm sorry...I just.. wanted... I keep starting to make stupid excuses, but that's all they are. Should haves and buts."

He couldn't prove anything at this point. He just needed to take what he had and move forward with it.

"I promise." He decided on instead. He'd remove the lock from his phone as well, later. Where Yuuri could see him do it. It was fair.

Yuuri understood, Victor. He did. He knew what it was like to fumble and falter with the truth and have trouble finding the words to explain yourself.

Which is why he gives the other an understanding smile before he reaches out to take a hold of both of Victor's hands. He lifts them to his lips so he can press a miss to the backs of his knuckles, giving them a squeeze as he glances up at the other man.

"Skate with me?" Because he can't deal with words anymore right now. His anxiety is starting to nip at the back of his mind and he really doesn't want his entire day to get ruined now that things are at least in a decent place.

Thus, the request.

Maybe Victor did have at least a little understanding but he'd never claim to be an expert. He couldn't fix Yuuri's anxiety. He just needed to not feed it until it became so all consuming.

The older skater shifts, getting his skates under him and he helps Yuuri to his feet. He'd really gotten lucky, hadn't he? Yuuri probably thought himself the lucky one but Victor had screwed up royally yet here they were.. Still together.

He laces his fingers with Yuuri's, glad to just glide across the ice with his fiancee. A thing he had doubted he would get in his life, and was already hacking away at it apparently.

He opens his mouth to say something but stops. No, silence was probably what Yuuri needed at the moment.

Letting his fingers slide in between Victor's once he's on his feet and giving the other's hand a tight squeeze, Yuuri allows himself to be led along, gliding across the ice in a silent dance. He catches the moment Victor starts to say something out of the corner of his eye and smiles a ghost of a smile as the other stops himself.

It's not that he finds amusement in how out of his element Victor is. It's just a nice reminder that the other is just as human as Yuuri is.

"What were you working on when I came in?" he asked, keeping his voice soft as he started to turn himself, lifting their joined hands so he can spin underneath them lazily.

Victor sighs through his nose, knowing he's off center here. He needs to work harder and do better than he was. He just.. wasn't. Now was the opportunity and he was certainly at more of a loss. He wasn't used to being given the second chance.

"I was working on my freestyle program. I chose a rather difficult song for it, so its been giving me trouble. I should have started off much slower than I did."

He sighs again, this time out loud with that exaggerated distress.

"That's the problem with one upping yourself every year. Eventually even you can't jump that high..."

Yuuri made a thoughtful sound as he came out of the twirl, skating backwards now as he tilted his head with an innocent look on his face. Well, as innocent as he could muster. He still looked and felt tired--emotionally drained--but he didn't want to dwell on that.

They would make this work.

"It has to be even harder knowing you have to try and beat me this year," he murmured, lips quirking, starting to pull into something of a smile as he squeezes Victor's hand. "It's alright if you're scared, Vitya."

Victor felt that competitiveness rise in him, and he almost snapped his usual laugh to anyone challenging him. But he knew that the skaters were an actual challenge. He couldn't deny that, and he didn't want to scoff at Yuuri's chances. No, Yuuri was a threat to Victor's chances.

"Honestly... I am a bit nervous." He says instead, rubbing his thumbs over the backs of Yuuri's hands. If they were going to be playing the honesty game he should be as honest as possible.

"I'm older, I've had a year off, and I'm trying to build sets that beat two record breaking skaters and JJ's technical prowess. Its not something to scoff at... Then Chris is always right there at my heels, plus Otabek and Phichit..."

Just those at the Grand Prix were impressive. And there were many others who didn't make it only because of minor mistakes.

"You're going to be amazing, just like you always are," Yuuri said reassuringly, slowing himself down and skating forward once he can redirect the motion, entering into Victor's personal space. He lets go of the other's hands so he can wrap his arms around Victor's neck and there's a little bit of tension in his body still, a little big of nervousness and hesitation but he's working through it.

It's hard coming down off an emotional high.

"Everyone's really excited that you're going to be back on the ice. I am too."

Victor rest his hands on Yuuri's waist, keeping him steady as he keeps their motion going forward. He could skate them both around the rink. His focus at the moment was how tense Yuuri still was. It was only a little bit but it could quickly change. He knew how the younger man could be.

Yuuri was sure to be exhausted after everything that had happened. Victor should make him dinner, and some tea...

"I'm glad that everyone is excited. It only puts extra pressure on me to do my best." He gives a dramatic sigh, head tilting before he chuckles, pressing their foreheads together.

"I want to skate with the best of them and to me, that's you."

It would fade. Yuuri would relax again soon enough. Right now he was just in the midst of a battle with his emotions and his own self worth that it was hard for him to do anything easily.

Distracting himself with Victor's presence was helping though.

He presses his forehead closer to the other man's, allowing their noses to brush now as well as he smiles softly.

"You're too kind," Yuuri whispered, allowing Victor to continue moving them across the ice. "I promise to give you a good fight, at the very least."

"I would expect nothing less. I intend on coaching you to victory, even against myself."

They would have a strange dynamic but it would work. Victor would make it work. For as hard as Victor worked he would push Yuuri into doing better, working harder. He could do that much, help raise Yuuri up.

And look, Yuuri had an inside view of the competition as well. A perfect chance to see and know what he would be up against before he had to face it on the ice.

"You still need that gold medal.."

"And I want it, so everyone knows that you coaching me wasn't a waste. So that they know I can do it," he admitted with a bit more conviction than he was use to hearing from himself. It was a strange sensation; being determined to win. Sure he'd always like a good challenge and fought his hardest to get to the Grand Prix two years in a row but he had never been overly competitive about it. He just wanted to prove himself.

But now he wanted the win. He really wanted the win if only so he could keep challenging Victor; keep things interesting for him.

"Think you can handle having a silver medal in your collection?" he said playfully, leaning back a bit so he could press a kiss to Victor's nose.

Victor smiles warmly at the kiss to his nose. He was happy that Yuuri was still willing to have these quiet, intimate moments. That this could still be a thing happening between them. Yuuri may want to prove himself on the ice but Victor was the one who would be doing a lot of work off the ice to earn his way back into the best graces of Yuuri Katsuki.

"You know, I have silver medals. From when I was just starting out. In fact, the last Grand Prix silver I want was when I was twenty two. The last silver I won before that was when I was... Huh, I guess it was 17..? Though I have some from before then."

Outside the Grand Prix, Victor had a variety of medals, the majority being gold the longer into his career he went. For five years though he dominated the Grand Prix stage. Silver just wasn't his color, after all.

"I have a bronze too. Have I ever shown you my bronze medal..?"

Things weren't perfect and Yuuri knew that. His heart still hurt over the fact that his fiance and best friend did things together behind his back. And it was going to hurt for awhile to come. But he loved Victor. He loved Phichit. He couldn't find it in himself to hate either of them; to not want to be around them.

He was just going to be a little more guarded for awhile.

"Of course I knew that," Yuuri teased, easing away from Victor now so he could break away and skate in a backwards circle around the other. "There's nothing wrong with silver and bronze. It makes all the gold medals you have that much better. A symbol of how far you came." He finishes the circle in front of Victor again and this time tucks his arms behind his back as he drifts backwards. "There's no shame in having any medal."

Victor could sense there was a difference between them. The dynamic had changed, Yuuri a little more closed off in the subtle ways but the young man was doing his best to keep things low key.

He turns his head to watch Yuuri skating around him, not following him with a full body turn. He would come back around eventually, and Victor was smiling at him.

"The bronze was my first medal, actually. From my very first competition. I was so proud of it, but decided I wanted gold after that. Its my favorite medal anyway."

He had a rather good start, considering he had been young when he'd earned the bronze.

"I've no shame, I'm sure you've noticed. But I'd love to see you adorned with more gold. I intend to make sure that happens!"

At least he was still here. Then again, there's no where else he'd want to be despite everything.

A softer smile lights up Yuuri's face at the admission, maybe a little bit proud that the other was saying something like that and perhaps a bit relieved to hear that even someone like Victor Nikiforov took pride in bronze medals.

"Nothing wrong with that. Your first medal should always hold a special place in your heart," he said sincerely and his arms fell from behind his back as he offers Victor a hand.

Even as he blushes.

"I'll do my best to make sure your efforts don't go to waste."

Victor takes the hand, bringing the knuckles to his lips. His brow was a little furrowed, expression earnest with that little smile there.

"You always say that.. Say that my efforts might be going to waste... I don't see any waste here." A little push and he's closer to Yuuri now, holding the shorter man's hand against his chest.

"Tomorrow you could decide to never skate again and not a moment with you would have felt wasted. I would only hope you'd let me stay, so I can learn to make you katsudon every night of the week."

The skating was fun, sure. He wanted Yuuri to win, and he wanted to do a good job at coaching him but Victor ultimately was just happy to be there, to be allowed at Yuuri's side, despite every fault and folly Victor had.

Yuuri blushes softly as Victor speaks and moves closer, unable to hold the other's gaze as he looks down at their skates. Even with the reassurances he was always going to have that nagging doubt in the back of his mind and he hated it; he wanted it to disappear but it wasn't as easy as just wishing it away.

His fingers curl against Victor's chest as he lets out a breath--a sound that's one part relief and one part him just trying to calm himself down in the moment--before he gives a slight nod.

"Of course I would let you stay," he said softly, finally looking up with a faint smile. "I..it'd be too strange, not having you around. You make things so much..everything's brighter, with you around." He felt stronger; he felt more at ease with Victor, even with the current circumstances. They'd get through it, Yuuri knew they would and they'd come out stronger for it.

Victor lowers his eyes along with Yuuri's. He hadn't helped anything with Yuuri with his actions. He made things worse and the idea that he'd caused Yuuri any reason to doubt himself or who he was.. Victor had found the thing he hated the most in the world now was seeing Yuuri doubt.

And now Victor was doubting as well. He squeezes Yuuri's hand, looking up towards the ceiling. Then he reaches up with one hand to rub the back of his neck. How to word this.. How to make it not stress Yuuri out further.

"Yuuri... You... I remember when we first talked about you taking on Eros, you said.. You'd never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend..." He winces, lacing their fingers together on one hand, while the other continues to rub the back of his neck nervously.

"I thought about it.. What you said.. I know what I want... I want you. I want to preface that with wanting you but.. ... I don't want you to think that someone like me is the end all be all for.. What I'm trying to say is..."

What was he trying to say?

Was Victor actually implying he wasn't good enough?

"If you wanted... I wouldn't be offended, I wouldn't.. I want you to be happiest, with whoever it is, and if its with me I'm glad but you've only ever.. ..Am I making sense?"

Yuuri's quiet while Victor speaks, the other's body language making it clear that whatever was about to be said was something Victor was struggling with. He understood how that felt and waited, allowing the other to get everything out that he needed to say.

He knew exactly where the other was coming from. Understood the worry because it was something that Yuuri himself had worried about many a times over. Was he simply starstruck with Victor? Was it just a crush that was going to fade? Was he getting in over his head? Every time those questions had plagued him he had managed to calm himself down with several deep breaths and reassurances that it was okay to indulge in things you wanted.

And in this case, he wanted this. He wanted Victor.

His hand tightens around Victor's as he shifts his weight forward to glide closer, bumping into his fiance and resting his free hand on his waist.

"...I am happy. It's scary--terrifying actually, all of this, I mean. It's all so new to me and I have no idea what to do or say most of the time," Yuuri admitted, gaze still down as he leans in to rest his forehead against Victor's shoulder. "But isn't..it's like ice skating, at least that's what I keep telling myself. I'll never know if something's going to work unless I try it. Unless I throw caution to the wind and go for it." Doing a quad flip was very different from offering your heart and everything you are to someone but it was an analogy that worked for him.

Closing his eyes, Yuuri let out a breath.

"I know this is where I want to be."

Well, at least he'd made enough sense to get an answer out of Yuuri. He reaches up to rest his hand on the back of the shorter man's neck, rubbing gently. He still wasn't sure if this was the best thing for Yuuri to be doing but Yuuri was also an adult. Victor couldn't make or force decisions onto him.

"Then, I will do my best to keep you here, because truly, as nice as I was trying to be a moment a go, I want you now where else." He wraps both arms around Yuuri now, holding on tightly. "I don't want anyone else to hold your hand or kiss your cheeks or lips.."

Okay, a little possessive but he was making a point. He was quite happy with Yuuri and wasn't looking to share any time soon.

If that conversation came up in the future, that would be a different story. The sharing. They could figure it out.

Victor needed to stop thinking.

Live and learn. That's the only way to figure things out, sometimes, Victor.

A soft huff of laughter escapes Yuuri at the other's words and while he's not sure what to make of that possessive tone, given the whole thing with Phichit, he doesn't comment on it. They're both in a strange mood right now.

Both of his arms end up around Victor in return now that his hand is free and he gives the other a squeeze, lifting his head enough to rest his chin on the other's shoulder.

"...Can we go back to the apartment?" he asked softly, really not feeling the idea of practice right now. He just wanted some time to decompress--with Victor.

Victor nods, arms full of Yuuri. He fit so perfectly in Victor's arms. Everything felt appropriate and right when he held him. He hoped he could make up for the mistake he made. And to never make it again.

"Yeah.. I'll make you dinner and tea. I'm learning how to make katsudon, you should tell me how I do.." He smiles, breaking the hug and lacing their fingers together to guide Yuuri off the ice.

A nice evening in would do them good. They could decompress, talk further if they wanted or just enjoy one another's company. Any would be good for Victor at this point.

He's grateful that Victor is willing to put off practicing right now. He knows that they both need it, they both have a lot they need to work on and perfect before the season starts up again but Yuuri really can't be bothered to care about it right now. There's too much going on inside his head which means he would flub any jump he tried to do and a night in with Victor sounds like the perfect cure.

He'd made it up to the other during practice tomorrow but..yeah. Screw it for today.

Squeezing Victor's hand as he follows him off the ice, Yuuri smiles softly, feeling himself start to relax more.

"I'm sure you'll do great. I can't wait to try it!"

The coach side of Victor wanted to convince Yuuri to stay and work on focusing despite distractions. It would be a good opportunity to help Yuuri learn how to clear his mind and perform under stress. Too bad the fiancee side was easily swayed. He couldn't be an asshole to Yuuri about his skating when he'd crushed Yuuri off the rink.

"Ah, I appreciate such a strong voice of confidence but I struggle, I do. I'm good with Russian dishes but Japanese continues to fall beyond my reach."

He hoped it would be okay. At least he could make the tea the way Yuuri liked it.

And honestly, in the end, the Katsudon came out decently. It was obvious that it wasn't quite to Yuuri's mom's skill level, but it was also obvious it was a recipe Victor had gotten from her. It would take practice to finesse it.

Victor's own Katsudon had a different sauce on it, though it wasn't for any distaste of the Mother Katsuki's recipe.

"Now that I know how to make it I can reward you with it more often.. I'd have to cook it more often, otherwise how would I perfect it anyway?"

Yuuri wasn't sure how to put into words just how grateful he was that Victor set aside his coach side for now. It meant a great deal to him and set the mood for the rest of the night since he didn't feel terrible about asking for a day off.

He was curled up on the coach while his fiance cooked, having changed out of his practice clothes and settled into something more comfortable--meaning a pair of sweats and one of Victor's shirts. He was browsing through his phone when the other announced the food was done and all in all? It wasn't a bad attempt at all.

His empty bowl ended up on the coffee table for the time being as he adjusted his blanket to settle over the other young man as well, leaning into his side some though not quite snuggling like he usually would.

"Not all the time. There's a reason I gained so much weight before," Yuuri said thoughtfully, tipping his head against Victor's shoulder with a wistful smile. "Every now and then would be nice, though."

Victor mentally noted the lack of usual snuggle but he doesn't say anything, just rests his arm over the back of the couch as an open gesture. When Yuuri's head lands on his shoulder he's more than happy to run his fingers through that dark hair affectionately.

"I'll have to figure out a low fat version. Which I think would probably be a bowl of rice with sad steamed pork plopped on top. That doesn't sound appetizing at all."

No, there was no changing that recipe into something healthy. It was meant to be hearty and full of calories. So, periodically would have to work. Victor didn't mind and he hoped eventually he'd actually be rather good at it.

"You know, when I called your mom to get the recipe I talked to your sister..." He was doing his best not to smile too soon to reveal himself. "She mentioned something about. .... posters..."

"I think saving it for certain times would be the best option," Yuuri said with a quiet laugh, knowing full well that most of the dishes he was a fan of had no real low fat version. But since he was full time skating again it wouldn't be too much of an issue keeping himself at the ideal weight. He just needed to make sure he didn't go overboard. Which was hard sometimes.

Victor starts to speak again and Yuuri lifts his head, glancing at the other curiously only to freeze.

Posters. Oh no. Oh no.

A blush sweeps over his cheeks and Yuuri immediately fish mouths at the other, not overly upset just straight up embarrassed.

"She--it's just--you were--" His idol. His longtime crush. Take your pick.

Victor was absolutely delighted with how quickly Yuuri started to blush. This explained why Yuuri was so desperate to keep Victor out of his room at first! Just the thought was adorable, the idea of a young Yuuri hanging up a poster with those star struck eyes..~

"So I've been watching over you while you sleep for years now~? I'm so honored. You know, if you wanted.."

Victor leans in, stroking his fingers over Yuuri's hair before trailing down to catch his chin.

"I could sign a few for you... make them real collector items. In exchange, I want a poster or two of you too!"

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-seal flippers- gaaaay

the gayest

Lets make it sad gay

cries

yes, YES WEEP

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